Nilai seutas tasbih

I had a tough week last week. It felt like I was coned when I first learn I was actually a participant in a camp that I joined. I felt like I wasn't been clearly informed and I thought I was framed. So after dumping my bag, I ran straight to my mum who by chance and by fate happened to turn back to pass me my phone. I cried and told her how I felt betrayed and it wasn't supposed to be that way. My mum listen and she told me

"Ma kfaham kakak. kakak kena sabar. Allah memang bagi kita ujian bila saat kita decide nak berubah. tu semua sebab Allah sayangkan kita. Allah nak uji kekuatan kita and nak hapuskan dosa-dosa kita yang lalu. kakak kena sabar. mungkin sekarang kakak rasa direndahkan. Mak pun pernah rasa dulu. Bapak pun pernah rasa"

and then I rant on I don't want to go cause I was still emotionally unstable and my mum further told me

"tak pe kakak. Kakak pegi je. Kakak ikhlaskan hati. Mak nak kakak pegi. Mak nak kakak pegi sebab Allah, sebab program ni adalah satu jalan untuk dekatkan diri dengan Allah. Bukan sebab kakak tu (referring to the one who asked me to go), bukan sebab lain. Kakak pun yang semangat nak pegi program ni kan? kakak sanggup tak balik sebab nak pegi camping ni. Insya-Allah, ape yang Allah susun tu baik untuk kakak, baik untuk agama kite, baik untuk segala-galanya"

I still cried but I stop complaining. Then I asked what if I feel like I am holding grudge towards that kakak?

"kakak kena berterima aksih sebenarnya kat kakak tu sebab kakak tu yang bawa kakak ke program ni. Dia bantu permudahkan jalan kakak untuk dekatkan diri dengan Allah"

And I felt good. But still deep inside, I am sad. and I asked my mum, why do I still feel sad. I did not realized how proud syaitan laknatullah was at that moment, thinking that it has succeeded in making the daughter of adam mad and hold grudge towards her sister.

"sampai sana kakak solat 2 rakaat ("tapi kakak tak bole") kalo cam tu berzikir banyak2, berzikir and istighfar, minta Allah ampunkan dosa"

and I asked her for tasbih, the one in our car cause I know my mum likes to use that one while she waits.

"amik tasbih ni" she took out tasbih from her hand bag. "ni tasbih mahal ni, anak murid mak yang kaya bagi. mak suka tasbih ni" (Of course she was joking about the student part. my mak is very funny, she wants me to luagh=))

at that time I held my tears. My mum gave me something she loves, something better, something closer to her, something she uses even more often than the one in the car. I kissed her cheeks and get off the car, took my bag and boarded the bus. In the bus, I cried harder. Not because of the earlier reason but because of my mother little scarifice that seems little to other but a big one for me. My mum has been sacrificing since she delivered me in to this world. She sacrificed her life for me back then and still as a mother give me something better.

I cried and asked for ALLAH's forgiveness for having a stupid thought, for failing to be a husnudzon person, for fail to see what is good and what is bad, for being selfish. I asked for HIS forgiveness....

In the end, I had fun with the program. I learned more about the history of Islamic World, how Islam used to rule 3/4 of the world. and I realized now our responsibility as a Muslim. (though the way the person present sent me in the dream world most of the time but the content of the program is gaegood^^). I made friends too and we are bond by Allah through this program. See how beautiful it is, the plan arranged by Allah?