Well, they say to never write or say anything when you are angry because there is a terrible consequence to that.
Or have you ever heard that one should write a mistake on the sand and happiness on the stone cause mistake on sands will be washed away by the sea while happiness on the stone will stay there forever. It is to say that we should forgive and forget one's mistake and remember good traits about them.
For numerous times I have been putting up with this marriage, something deep inside me telling how marriage life is not for me, that I will be oppressed by a guy I called husband forever. Who can validate that your marriage is a happily ever after chapter in your life? No one ever has. Because marriage is a disaster if you don't know how to handle it well.
But something in my heart and brain tell me otherwise. Marriage is a test. Something Allah give to test your patience in dealing with one guy and his family for the rest of your life. A bond that Allah make to teach you about life. A tie that Allah provide cause Jannah is not an easy road.
I have been taking marriage easily. I know the way out and to be quite honest, after seeing what happen to my parents, I know I am not afraid to opt to that path. That is indeed one of the way out. It's easy but I have to bear the consequences later. But because I know for sure Jannah is not easy, I try to be patience. Just like how hard I'm trying to be patient with my husband, I'm sure he too have the same thought. I am not an easy lady to handle. I have answer to every questions and I can ask any question that I want when I am not satisfied with something.
THAT IS HARD. Imagine how hard it will be for a guy to handle me. I am rude, sarcastic, full of hate. Imagine how myhusband has been putting with all my crap for 2 years. 2 years of my crap. Must be so hard on him as well (To be fair, he has his crap too and I don't know if I can handle his). But We try to make it work.
We fight and make up
numerous times.
But at the end of the day, it's your level of iman that saves you. If you have no iman, this marriage is long abandoned. If you have no iman, then there will be hatred.
Alhamdulillah for the iman o Allah. I am thankful for that.
I am not pious but I sure understand my religion. I am still learning.
And alhamdulillah for that level iman, I have strength to forgive and my husband has the ability to forgive.
There are times when we decided to ignore each other because at that point we hate each other so much, now I think about it, for stupid reason (like he did not help me clean the house or when he is mad at me because I did not cook for him... Well, for sure he is not marrying a maid and I am not marrying a guy helper as well) but I think that works for us. We let the anger to die down because otherwise the "D" word can be easily said and done. Nauzubillah.
Well as for now, we are on silent treatment, for the better. But we will talk later insha Allah cause that is how things work between us.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Goodbye
Assalamualaikum.
Indeed... Death is best reminder for the living...
For the past few months, my relationship with my grandparents had take turn from bad to worse due to my dad's fitnah. Maybe it was tooharsh to put it like that but that was what my father did to save his ass. We were put in the worst situation and we (my siblings and I) were hated over no apparent reason. Of course this situation has made me morose. I couldn't bear the taught of losing this beautiful relationship. But that happened. We had to distanced ourselves from the home of our grandparents. Mya unties and unclus (my father's siblings) did try to talk to them but that effort seems to go down the drain as my granparents are quite stubborn to listen to any other people opinion and still want to stick behind my father's choice of words.
Until death knocked into our life.
3 weeks ago I lost my aunt due to dengue. She was one of those who wants to see my relationship with my grandparents got better, but sadly she did not live to see that. The moment I heard about her illness, I went back and forth to Hospital Sultan Ismail with Zaid and Zain. It wasn't hard on me,going back nd forth. I believe it must be hard on the family of my aunt, her children, her husband, her siblings. But the hardest must be for my grandparents to witness her daughter to leave the world before them. The first day I arrived to visit my aunt, she was admitted to ICU and was put in coma. I had to held in my tears. I can't cry I told myself. I did not deserve to shed any tears after the ruckus my family had put her through. I saw my grandparents. Salam them. But they have no interest in me. The second day I came, we had shortest chat and I remember feeling relieved of finally being able to talk to my grandmother after so many moons.
Her passing has been a blessing in disguise. After her passing, during her 7th day of tahlil, I came to help to prepare. I talked to my aunt, my grandmother was asking me for help which I am happy to hear her calling my name. My grandfather laugh at me being fat (The only time I'm glad I gained weight because finally my grandfather want to talk to me!)
After that my aunt, aunty Na decided that it's time create family whatsapp. I have never felt so close to them. I have been actively replying cause it makes me happy knowing that they too want me to be close to them. I constantly update Zain's pictures as they adore Zain so much Alhamdulillah.
The relationship between me and my grandparents had never been better after that too. I came to visit them last week and they talk to me and look at me in the eyes. Considering how they used to avoid eye-contact with me, that made me very happy.
To be honest, i am not good at making phone calls but insha Allah I will try my best to visit them on weekly basis insha Allah.
Aunty Ja, your passing is deeply miss. There will never going to be another aunt who is creative and as hard working as you are. May Allah bless you and put you in the best place in Jannah.
Al-fatihah
Indeed... Death is best reminder for the living...
For the past few months, my relationship with my grandparents had take turn from bad to worse due to my dad's fitnah. Maybe it was tooharsh to put it like that but that was what my father did to save his ass. We were put in the worst situation and we (my siblings and I) were hated over no apparent reason. Of course this situation has made me morose. I couldn't bear the taught of losing this beautiful relationship. But that happened. We had to distanced ourselves from the home of our grandparents. Mya unties and unclus (my father's siblings) did try to talk to them but that effort seems to go down the drain as my granparents are quite stubborn to listen to any other people opinion and still want to stick behind my father's choice of words.
Until death knocked into our life.
3 weeks ago I lost my aunt due to dengue. She was one of those who wants to see my relationship with my grandparents got better, but sadly she did not live to see that. The moment I heard about her illness, I went back and forth to Hospital Sultan Ismail with Zaid and Zain. It wasn't hard on me,going back nd forth. I believe it must be hard on the family of my aunt, her children, her husband, her siblings. But the hardest must be for my grandparents to witness her daughter to leave the world before them. The first day I arrived to visit my aunt, she was admitted to ICU and was put in coma. I had to held in my tears. I can't cry I told myself. I did not deserve to shed any tears after the ruckus my family had put her through. I saw my grandparents. Salam them. But they have no interest in me. The second day I came, we had shortest chat and I remember feeling relieved of finally being able to talk to my grandmother after so many moons.
Her passing has been a blessing in disguise. After her passing, during her 7th day of tahlil, I came to help to prepare. I talked to my aunt, my grandmother was asking me for help which I am happy to hear her calling my name. My grandfather laugh at me being fat (The only time I'm glad I gained weight because finally my grandfather want to talk to me!)
After that my aunt, aunty Na decided that it's time create family whatsapp. I have never felt so close to them. I have been actively replying cause it makes me happy knowing that they too want me to be close to them. I constantly update Zain's pictures as they adore Zain so much Alhamdulillah.
The relationship between me and my grandparents had never been better after that too. I came to visit them last week and they talk to me and look at me in the eyes. Considering how they used to avoid eye-contact with me, that made me very happy.
To be honest, i am not good at making phone calls but insha Allah I will try my best to visit them on weekly basis insha Allah.
Aunty Ja, your passing is deeply miss. There will never going to be another aunt who is creative and as hard working as you are. May Allah bless you and put you in the best place in Jannah.
Al-fatihah
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