mind.

Supposedly sleeping right now here I am, technically on my bed but with laptop in front of me and typing away my thoughts. I don't have much in mind lately. Alhamdulillah everything is fine and the sun shines bright on me. The weather has been fine (only it will rain on the afternoon but alhamdulillah, rain is a blessing, it will cool down the earth and we can sleep soundly at night)

Last few weeks I attended this good symposium organized by IQRA' on love after marriage. It was interesting as we get to listen to the first hand experience of those who fell in love after they get married. These couple, they didn't date, they never had premarital relationship, everything just happen AFTER the nikah. Interesting right? So I have seen them and a few of my friends did the same but the society isn't fully aware of that. Most of them wonders how that can even be possible especially when they don't even know one another. There were people out there to prove it.

I'm just saying because two people closest to me will get married soon and I am happy for them. Only now I realize how they have grown up. I'm the eldest but I hardly act as one.

In conclusion, I'm just saying.

Goodbye?

I feel like I want to be out of this house as soon as possible without being binded with marriage. I want to be on my own and have my space. I don't regret, I don't seek understanding. If you don't understand me then that's okay, I know you hate me anyway so release me early as you release your son. You'll be happy without me I know. I'm not a good one anyway, no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I try. I have been trying, I will try again. Thank you for everything.

.berkasar.

Aku tahu, isu jamaah ni perkara sensitif. Karang bila aku bincang, tak fasal-fasal pakcik makcik cakap aku ni tak faham pulak. Karang aku cakap, kawan-kawan aku di sebalah sana cakap pemuda IKRAM tak faham la takde tarbiah la (memang la korang bagus kan tapi perlu ke tengok bawah (look down) pada orang lain?

Tapi kelakar tau tengok perkara-perkara ni, ISMA vs IKRAM ni. Sebenarnya takde mende pun di versus kan tapi asal ek kita tak bole bersatu je? Kan kita satu fikrah? Kan ke kita satu jamaah? Kan ke kita satu agama? Kenapa ek? Kenapa ek? Selagi kita tak bersatu, selagi tu Islam takkan menang. Aku ni bukan pandai sangat macam korang tapi benda asas ni aku faham, tentang syura, tentang kesatuan jamaah. Aku faham yang itu. Rasulullah pun ikut keputusan syura. Kita????

Oh well, aku tak faham. Aku hanya faham aku nak berjuang di jalan Allah. Fikir-fikirkanlah. Renung-renungkanlah. Moga kita bertemu di syurga Allah dengan kesatuan yang nyata.

p/s: Penat tengok ketidakselesaan yang timbul akibat berlainanan jamaah ni. Kawan pun da tak boleh nak kawan. Anak beranak pun bole gaduh. Kalau korang faham, sanggup ke korang lukakan hati ibu bapa dengan perjuanggan korang tu? Ini ke perjuangan kalau keluarga berpecah belah? Reflek sikit keluarga Rasulullah. Tengok balik keluarga Hassan Al-Banna macam mana? Aduh! member baik-baik nak kawin tak dapat sebab family lain jamaah. Sakit pening tengok. Aku doa aku istiqamah di jalan ni sentiasa.

So sometimes she does talk.

Currently trying to prepare material for tomorrow's class. Eventhough actually I don't need to prepare anything much, still I find the need to do some reading on things I need to talk about tomorrow because the thing about me speaking in English is that, once I start, I could not stop. I don't have much chance to speak English outside of the class so I really use it all in my class.

and did I tell you about my lovely Sony was broken due to the endless accident that poor thing had? Now I'm using my brother's (broken) Nokia 1100 so no pictures. I was planning to buy a new one and I can't stop myself eying for iphone4 which cost RM2,100/gasp!. I can't afford it now for sure because my pay is focusing for something else before I could buy any expensive gadget. So I might go for something cheaper but has a good camera since I love taking pictures and to bring DSLR everywhere is an act calling for a punch. Maybe a new phone will ring next week? Will keep you update on that!

Driving license. At 24 (my age this year/gasp!) I just had the chance to take driving license. I'm not that young, I should be driving my own car by now but sadly I don't even own a legal driving license. I will be having my third lesson driving lesson tomorrow. After that, two more to go before QTI and that is if I don't have any plan for any additional lesson, which I originally had plan to do so. Wish me luck. I need more prayers on that since I'm planning to get my it before May.

The girl who wishes she is Khun so she could be close to Vic cause honestly, the reason why I watch WGM Khuntoria was all because of Victoria. I like Khun but I love Vic (I am VERY straight mind you) because Victoria gives off the feeling of a best friend that I know I will be concern of and want to take care of.

Speechless but never wordless

There is saying that if you are mad, write it on the sand cause the wind/current will blew it away, erase it once and for all.

But there are things that cannot be written on the dusty sand.

Love is like cornstarch.

It hurts.

when the person you love the most is there but isn't.

It's painful.

When you pretended everything is fine but deep inside it slowly eating yourself.

I have lost will for words, I often do.

I'm not much of a talker after all I know.

I don't know how to make things right by talking to you.

Sometimes I wonder if things will ever get right.

And when I do, I will think of my pay and scheme a plan to run away.

or I will say "I swear I will get out of the house without marriage"

Truth is, I'm tired of being an empty luggage that you hate to have with but you still have to carry it around because you feel responsible for it.

You hate my interest.

You told me I'm too direct with words that often times it hurts you.

I think by having me is enough to be an embarrassment to you.

You said I'm a shame to the society since I don't act like one of its citizen.

You told me I'm rude for saying I want to get out of the house without marriage because you, with angry face told me I should be making you happy, try to ease of things for you.

I never really live up to your expectation Am I?

I never really consult my problem with you or the member of the family because I'm afraid I will turn out not strong enough.

I don't share problem with friends because I don't want them to see another side of me.

I never share my problem with anyone.

I talk to Allah but I bottled it up from human.

You indirectly taught me to be this way.

No, I'm not blaming you.

I'm thanking you for making me this way.

At least I never shade any tears when the going gets tough because I know there is always a way out for every single thing.

I may appear strong.

But deep inside, I'm broken beyond repair.

I never did you proud am I?

I am the -yes-girl for the rest of my life.

Being the first and only child to have the best score in exam is not enough.

Being an experimental child to be sent to the toughest year of matrix life is not enough.

and I thought when I graduated, at least you will be proud.

But the way I see it, you are not.

That's okay.

I already used to it.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

I wish I will die soon so you don't have to see me, don't have to be burden by me, don't have to be ashamed by me.

I love you, more than you ever know.

Broken....

I know...

I'm like

"kjasdbHSVFJAWEGFDB ZSDVbkjdfsdfbgerbhnd sdbkj,mnjhsakjdauerbrhrurihtern,sndhhbasbdsbmnbuerwiueh vu4y47587y54 mnbkhhgglSJDHUEHBkjhuhhfernm,en rjnhhvuhdoirgrtn,mnljaoisjwlqpoiqwr, vsd soinchoerentlikethat!" in blog/twitter/FB

but really, reality check I'm like

=.='

a boring person.

I even laugh at lame jokes.

I think heard someone's crying and I pretended not to hear it =.='

So you think you are lucky if you're in live with your best friend?

Just like the song by Colby Cailat and Jason Marz, they say it's lucky to be in love with your best friend since that person already know what you are and you don't have to explain to him/her what you like and dislike. It seems easy right?

Alway always on the flirting stage, things seems easy. Because you are still at the stage of wanting each other but still you are not bound to him/her, you know somewhat play around. But once things got a little more serious, that's when you feel tired of having someone who knows too much about you.

No, I don't have experience on this matter but other people experiences are the lessons of my life. So they say experience is the best teacher right? Even if it's an indirect experience.

Well let's walk the talk. I the talk is, I'm sad with the world. War, Egypt matter, Ummah's matter, Da'wa matter, sides matter.... and I'm walking here because it feels like home to me.

I don't seek understanding, I just hope you will never question what I choose because trust me, whatever I do, Allah is still my guide in life. If I choose not to get married now, please nod your head and say "It's okay, you are young still". I appreciate the doa because I need the support but please don't try be a cupid and match making me with anyone. Recently my best friend disappoint me with her action. I thought she is my best friend so she ought to know what kind of girl I am. But then I was wrong. I guess it was the distance that threw us apart. We have been staying away from each other for more than 10 years so I bet that's where she missed me changing. So sad but with a heart of a best friend, I forgive her little mistake and I hope I will never have to go through this matter again.

And I wish my sister would tell me her problem because, well she has someone in her life now and it feels like the sisterly bond between us is no longer there. Sometimes I kinda hate that boy for taking my sister away, changing her, but most of the time, I will be patient with everything and sincerely accept him... I'm still trying honestly.

In the end, I think some of thing we need to ignore and let pass by us. Let bygone be bygone, Ignorance is after all bliss.