give me a moment and I will breathe again

i tried
but yesterday was the limit

and today
i broke down and cry

my eyes are swollen
my nose is red

i could barely open my eyes

and Crying, now I know it's not reflection of weakness.
It's the point to stop and to breathe again.
It's the momentum to start again.
It's the full stop for all misery.

But I don't do it all the time. just today
JUST today.

I REFUSE TO CRY AGAIN.


alas if starbucks is not on the list, I would be there now

This not about U and Me. this is about how life was meant to be.

I'm incoherent these days.
incoherent as far too many events have hurt this frail heart of mine. And as broken as I am, little fail could make me frustrated. But so far I have never been down on my knee to cry. (Girl don't cry, be K.R.Y.). I was on the verge of crying but I did not cry. As much as I wanted to, I just can't.
and When I said, too many events, it's just mean too many. But I thanked Allah for testing me this way. Even when I'm facing difficulties, I refuse to give in. Even when works starts piling up, I refuse to give. and even when friends turn their back on me, I refuse to cry. I need to move on. Although some recent events has left me wounded but I will cure it, give it the best medicine. And I love myself far too much that I think getting married is a hassle since I'm going to share my heart with others. I am selfish and I know that. I Love myself and I know that. I don't want to hurt my heart over little stupid event.

And things happen for a reason. Even when no one wants to be a helping hand, I don't care. Even if i have to this on my own, I don't mind. and even I have to bear the consequences all on my own, I don't give a damn. All I know, I need to be strong. Even to face this all on my own, I have to be strong. the bottom line is...
I want to have a normal life that's all. I don't want to live my life with regret.

Tag+wedding

Obviously not mine. I attended My mother's friend wedding. Not her wedding, her son's. She is also my principle back in high school (long self explanatory is not needed thank you). The wedding was fun cause even though I was stranded at the hotel's lobby, I was having fun meeting my super crazilicious senior. Now I know why we were placed outside of the dining hall.(=D)


I can't put my own picture because my eyes were so swollen that it looks bad when i snap.
Put that aside, there was one thing that caught my eyes, captured in my heart. The hadith that was on the slide show
"Kahwin itu adalah sunnah ku. barangsiapa yang tidak menyukainya, dia bukanlah dari golongan umatku" riwayat bukhari dan muslim.

something along the line. I'm old please understand (excuse! not acceptable!). I'm have nothing against marriage institution. In fact I'm happy watching a good marriage life that I have right in front of my eyes. the challenges are always there but that is how the love is being tested. I believe in marriage but I doubt the love. I don't deny it by go around and saying stuff like "I don't want to get married". I have no basis to say such word. And I believe it is wrong to say such word.

and I found some interesting tag about marriage (so we are getting to the point). I found it here. Actually I wasn't on the list but I still want to answer it. I was never serious when answering tag questions.

1. How old are you?
as for 2009, I'll be 22 in June

2. Are you single?
Yes

3. At what age do you think you'll get married?
When the time come along with a man.

4. Do you think you'll marrying the person you are with now?
I won't get married to my family member that for sure.

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
eemmm Lee Donghae?

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
Whoever free on that day.

7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
Hotel Please

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
"I'll go wherever you will go" (the calling. Gile jiwang *muntahdarah*)

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
According to budget

10. Will that include your exes?
???? If I have one

11. How many layers of cake do you want?
don't know

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Don't know

13. Name the song/tune you'd like to plat at your wedding:
well if I agree to those term the people from my community has set up, it'll be Nasyid. But somewhere in the middle I will try to fit in Super Junior's Marry U. It's the sweetest proposal song.

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon & fork?knife?
Anything will do

15. Champagne or red wine?
none please

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
budget

17. Money or household items?
Money. I'm a realistic girl

18. How many kids would you like to have?
budget

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
I thought they are only doing this on the wedding day?dasat ye sekarang, sampai honeymoon dia ikut

It's pinkish lately

Yes, I wonder have I developed love towards that color. often we heard the color associated with girlish girl (or girlish guy) but I have sort of decorated my blog with that color. I think it's cute. but honestly this is not my style. If folks know me in real life, they would laugh their heads off for the color that I have chosen. I never really into this color.

For anyone whom I missed in the "Stalking", please leave your Blog URL here. I want to continue stalking your blog and leave nice comment while I'm at it. Plus, reading from people's point of view about life is always interesting.

better get ready for drama practice....haish. Will be back with some pictures hopefully.

=_Edit_=

I guess you folks can see it by now. while others busy practicing, we were busy... cam whoring.

The Drama

Drama is all about... well drama. and play. and funny gestures. and being someone that is not us. to be a whole new person. a person that is not us.

During the drama class, I always have fun, laughing and joke around. our lecturer is so funny. I'm glad for that. but one thing that makes me scared about this class was at the end of this term, we are going to stage a play.
The Play has been finalised (though the script is still in progress). The tittle is "Snow White and The Untold Tale". I'm sure everyone of us is very familiar with that "They live happily ever after" fairy tale.
So I'm sure you may be asking, "Why The Untold tale?" Well, that is the secret that will only be revealed during the play. The play is gonna be one experience that I'm sure I want to forget. I want to do it, put my heart into it and for get about it. I'm not a good actor, thus being picked to be one of the main doesn't show a good sign either. But I will still try me best.

And all these while, with running around doing the practice, keeps on correcting the script, I am
picture worth thousands of words. it tells a lot. My eyes are weary, I even developed eye bag and dark circle. But then that is what student's life is all about. I enjoy it even it tires me out.

Well, in case you are wondering, I'll be playing The Prince. Blame the lack of guys in my class that I have to take out the role after the audition. I asked Falah which part of me that makes people think i suit to be the King, so she answered
"Maybe your pronunciation. or maybe the aura" well maybe. I guess I have to do it anyhow right. Falah-ssi, I want to withdraw.... if that even possible for this, so this gives dread to thee...^^

(And today I met Kak Dee at Jusco when I had lunch with my besties. It has been such a long time! Kak Dee! I usually met Kak Nurul)

Back to study

for awhile only

I feel bad for this blog. I always found myself rant about life here. But even when I declared this to be my territory, some still don't get it, they intend to turn my blog like theirs. And now I don't even have the heart, kidney and lung to read other people's blog. they are angelic, writing good stuff
"your blog is not ilmiah. write something more ilmiah will you?"
they are great, writing religious stuff
"your blog is lagha"
they are the best.
hey guys, you guys are the best. congratulation. I know some don't read my blog and even delete me from their blog list/affiliations just because my blog talk about my life simply. But I never really care about that. and Don't want to judge anyone either. Go do your own stuff and I'll do mine. I'll do good even without those so called alim people. I have my family to protect me. my father good words that I still listen to because I know he always means well. My mum who says good advice that would enter my heart straight away.
I am not condemning my own people but they tire me out. they told me to be someone I could not be. Why don't you accept me for who I am just like how I accept you people as you are? I still wear tudung and it is still labuh and I never wear bawal (no offense to those who wears it), I go to usrah, halaqah (IDC, I still want to use the word. what so controversial about the word usrah? stupid people never care to study the word). I never went out at night. I just have my besties around me. I don't flirt and I don't even know how. I have no boyfriend, not ever. You guys simply judged me when you say "Mawaddah, we never judge you". yeah, never judge, my ass! I'm harsh with words and will always be this way. You can't take it, I don't care.

With this post, I hurt your eyes but not your heart right.

Sorry
















is the word i have no intention to say

Decision

I'm not gonna be ignorant. I will boycott the products. Oh Allah give me strength to overcome this fight. Doing it fillah. because this is the least I could offer. I don't want to be people who says they care but still eating at McD. I don't want to be a person who cries over the victims but still drinks at starbucks. I don't want to be a person who pray for them but still using the line that would kill them.

It is hard desicion for me. I was cotempleting a lot. But now i have to be firm. I don't want to be a useless muslim. I might be all crazy on the outside but I still care for our fellow Muslim who are fighting on their land that now covers with blood and tears.

You say You Care?
SHOW IT!

p/s: dear besties, please remind me if I ever forget on my own desicion.....

The Drama

a word of encouragement drew by nancy drew Falah

so we had drama class today
( I was planning to go teknik actually to return the report but the last minute afternoon class is unavoidable)
we were given task to do a sketch of 10 minutes that involves sad emotion. so falh, farah, putri and I had plan to do a remake of "a moment to remember".
here ware the cast

Putri: the wife who had emnisia
Falah: the husband
Farah: the daughter
Mawa: the make-fool-of-herself doctor

our play was so simple and being the last one after a great sketch form Everlyn's group didn't help either. no plot, no emotion. we even had the feeling of wanting to laugh
(especially during my line of "the protein congested in her brain". Falah was on the verge of laughing and I was holding myself)
I guess all emotion is no fun and not suitable for us^^

bonus drawing from Falah jjang!

it's final, no more fighting. I'll be Po I accept though i have no cuteness side. I can sing though. lol!. I adore my chinan chinggu^^

T_T

What is up with popularity?

You are recognized where ever go you.

You will be the trendsetter of the future

You set your own rules.

People say “you just pawn it”

Everything you do is right

Everything you say is perfect

People nodded at your wrong words

People laugh at your no funny comical gag

You think you are on top of the world

To be adored by every guy

The kind of girl everyone would love to hate

Touch the down the earth will you?

The seven skies you have reach is nothing but your dream

Wake up from this delusional world

Get in touch with reality

Let go of your fantasy

Be the humble servant of ALLAH

Be the good follower of Rasullullah

Be a filial daughter to your parents

Be an exemplary sister

Be a true friend

Be an honest human

The grateful entry

I still remember THE look they gave,
when I try to speak in English.
They are a bunch of good English speaker and they used English among themselves.
I'm just an innocent one try to improve, try to learn,
try to... fit it.

but when i open my mouth and started using English,
they reply me in Malay instead.

they don't tell if there are any mistakes.
they just keep their mouth shut.

after that they made fun of me, of my effort.
they talk behind my back.
they think i don't know but I thank Allah for letting me listen to their conversation.
on that day i realized they are a bunch of so-called friends that want to bring me down.

"she should've work on her grammar. it's horrible"
"she got a weird way to pronounce words"
"her guts, i hate it. don't use English if you are no good!"

You think i gave up?
Hell no!

i improvised.
but then Allah sent me someone better
someone who is there to help and to criticize me right in front of my face.
someone to tell me that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation because hers is the same.

and that special someone is my best friend until today.
she is my best friend who never turn her back on me.
she never backs me up if I'm wrong
she comforts me when i have problems.
she is my special someone that goes by the name Jasmine Rosli.

Jas,
besides our teachers, it was you that help me, push me until i can go this far.
besides Barney, it was you who support me until I understand English better.
Besides dictionary, it was you who help me in figuring out the meaning.

I Thank Allah for you.
I'm Grateful to Allah for you.

thank you my tomodachi, nei chinan chinggu, my bestfriend, kawan baikku.

thanks to my mother who helps me, to forgive these people (I will never forget though) when she said
"that's why Jasmine understands you better. she had the soft side of a teacher in her even back then. she has the patience to go with you, to guide you. those people will never get that"

After holding the grudge for almost 10 years, I'm able to let it go now, to purify my heart from the past.
Thank You Allah for Your guidance through my mum.
Thank you Allah
Thank You Allah