Walimatul Urus

I can't believe I'm going to be someone's wife. I don't know if I should pity him for he is destined to be with someone like me for the rest of his life or I should be happy for him for he is destined to be with someone like me for the rest of his life... :) (Pun intended)

and soon I'm going to create a new tag.

Empty

It's in 2 weeks time but

Why do I feel... Nothing?

Oh well, I bet the nervousness will come later:)

Good day everyone

Fun, sadly

I want this bed please? :)

KL adventure. Though I lost my phone and still am very sad about it, good food, good coffee and good stuff lighten up that moodiness. Insya Allah there's blessing in disguise and Allah has a better plan (and phone perhaps ^^) in store me. I am thankful that the stealer does not ask for my wallet.

It's beautiful

I don't know...

Today I blogwalking and I cried.

I see how once you have the strength to be with Allah, nothing else matter.

You might want to think about what human will said but then having Allah with you gives you some kind of strength that you could not find when you are with human.

I saw that long ago but today I cried reading one of my ex-student's hijrah. It was a journey, I bet a tough one for her but she survived. I pray for her and for all of us, may we still be in this road to HIM, with istiqamah and never doubt.

-_-

Love is funded with trust. Without a concrete build of trust, your building of love will be heading towards downfall in a matter of weeks, if it can last that long.

I found trusting is hard, thus the answer to the single life. Trusting is equals to selling your soul to the devil where you gain pain while losing everything. You will be clouded with painful feeling called doubt. Doubt and trust never get along with each other. If you said you have trust but at the same time you feel the pain of doubting, you are in danger.

Now this doubt thingy is not good for your heart. It will lead to failed relationship. We certainly don't want that do we?

You might begin your relationship with thousands of this little evil calls doubt. Of course, you cannot expect yourself a total stranger who wants to be a part of your life just because he/she confessed you, no?

I don't know if my doubt can later lead to trust but for now...

It's just doubt

Wedding of 2011

It has been way too long since I updated my blog. The reason? Sharing stuff on FB and twitter which is concise is easier nowadays.

As end of 2011 approaches, I received a lot of wedding invitation, be it from the people I know and those I don't. I don't know if it's the increases of age or is it the hormone, I am so excited to attend these wedding that I keep the card, put note on my weekly diary and make sure my parents remember it.

So far I have attended Kak Na'immah (one of the teacher in LA) and Kak Munibah (my senior who married our senior Ihsan Norkhair). and the list will continue on until 2011 lowers its curtain.

My brother will also get married this year. I am so excited for him and am looking forward for his wedding as well, more than ever.

Ummm, there has been so much buzz and talk about that lately because it's my bro and when is my time. hehe, living in the community of makcik and pakcik, ikhwah and akhawat, it seems like you cannot hide anything

I'm not saying anything about me.

This is a passive aggressive note

I am mean... by words. I don't act mean, I don't do mean, I don't say mean. I write mean. It's all over my writing. If I feel so intimidated.

So....

Dear woman,

Who cares if you are a loser so immature that don't even act your own age and keep on bringing your past with him in my face? You don't have to impress me with such story that only idiot would tell.

Sincerely,I'm in the picture now, get that fact?

Good stuff is meant to be shared :)

But then I saw something better

I smiled

Talk and write.

What's up with my life lately?

I have changed my workplace, from UTMSPACE to UTM. The experience is not the same trust me. When you work with someone older, you have to respect them. But when you work with someone older and has doctorate, you have to respect, listen to them and do whatever they say. Seriously man, I am not anyone's maid. If you want me to help you, there is always way to ask. Saying 'Please" could never kill you, you know? Seriously, I'm all out of respect if people keep on pushing me to do things for them.

Oh well, apart from that, I am so thankful that I have a great colleague. 'Atiqah is like one of the most unawkward, funniest person who jokes is all American-jokes.

I want to update more but I will after I'm done done done with everything else.

This journey

My spiritual journey of Ramadan...

I wish I could share it but then it's way too personal for me to talk about it.

But I have to say, last year's ramadan was better although I finished reading Quran for this ramadan earlier.

May Allah allow me to seek the next ramadan.

And hopefully next year will be much better and easier to do ibadah, since I have you to remind me.

Cali girl is feelin' it

Accepting is impossible but impossible is nothing.

Can I, now, cancel everything? Because I'm afraid of this heart-changing.

Because once I felt we were very close but now, even when you are standing close next to me, I feel we are 10 miles apart.

I don't know if this is the feeling Allah gave me to keep myself away from you until the right time come.

I don't know if this fear that vibrates in my senses is just a way to draw us apart for awhile.

Is it that hard to love and understand? I'm glad I never experience that.

"In this California king bed
we're 10 thousand miles apart
I've been California wishin' on these stars
for your heart, on me
my California king"

I love how this song depicts the feeling of feeling so far away although you sleep on one bed.
It can be that way.
If you left any words unspoken because you want to take care of the other party's heart.

But here is a wake up call, HE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOU HEART UNTIL YOU TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL EXACTLY!

He is not a mind-reader.
Tell him how you feel.
If that destroys your relationship,
at least you did try to tell him how you feel.
At least you will know that he is not the one for you.
You might cry first but you will feel strong after a while and you can confidently say
"he's not worth my time"

Why so serious?

by: the girl who is too absorbed in understanding the lyrics from Rihanna's California King Bed.

Holiday

You never knew how things are until you experience it yourselves.

Hey, it's beautiful so stop complaining :)

"I cannot change the PAST, but I can let it go." FB status update, January 21st, 2011, 6:39pm

Ice

I wish I'm loving, caring, sweet, bla bla bla.

But I'm not.

Deep inside me, there is this ice princess residing in my heart.

I'm cold when I look warm.

I'm full of hurt when I look happy.

I don't know how to care when I look caring.

But worst of all, I don't know how to apologize.

I don't.

Sorry is word I blurted out for nothing, with nothing.

Is there anyone out there who is willing to accept me for me?

I guess not.

So this is goodbye.

Beautiful goodbye.

Bored so goodbye

You get bored after a period of time
you were eager to give the call but after some time you just let it go cause it is no longer exciting.
You were caring once
You tried to ask everything she did and how was her day but now you just don't seem to bother her at all.



Many men take their woman for granted.
They were so caring when they first chase you.
They were so caring when they first get you.
They were so unbelieveably sweet when they talk to you.


But after some time when the chasing period is done, when they get you for sure,
And just when you are deeply in love with him, time is up for them, they get bored and you get hurt.

Leave them. Girl, that kind of man will never appreciate you.







Damn it. Easier said than done.



(will edit the typo. Posting through phone and editing using it takes time)

yes this is!

I feel happy nowadays... :)

because 'ini serious'

Me & my work

you don't know how much I like my job and the people around me! I adore them so much... err, not all but especially My dear Kak La, Kak Maria, Kak Awin, Abg Fahmi, my neighbor abg Azry. Those upstairs, well, if they have the energy to go downstairs where I sit then we have time to chat ^^


In the picture, I was the only English teacher there. The rest are admin officers. Look at how crazy they can be =)

No hate.

Sometimes this is what I feel:

STRONG HATRED!

But then it's impossible to hate a family much less your own mother. Yes, it was my mistake but then must she did what she did and said what she said? This is clear to me then: Even if you do Qiam every night but when you cannot control your anger, satan will still be there right? Children are test to a mother and a mother is a blessing to children.

Having someone who literally screamed at me is a blessing cause at least I have someone to remind me and all but then the words spoken right after that.... it stabbed me right in the heart, I feel like killing myself right then. No wonder they say pen are sharper than sword, words hurt more than knife. That was what I felt. So this morning, with anger, I walked out of home. However, with guilt, I drive away. I don't want to go out without kissing my mother but then after every word she uttered, I have no mood to even say goodbye. Even when she mumbled, I stuffed my ears with earphones so I feel less hurt. I know it was not good and it was rude but it was totally unbearable. I don't want you to put yourself in my shoes and I don't seek for understanding as write this entry because I admit it was my fault that I refuse to get out of the bed in the morning because I was too tired. My mother was mad.

It hurts.

I'll be better in a few days so if you see my next entry all praise my mum, don't be surprise. Things like this happen sometimes. My mum just being a mum and me I'm being a stubborn daughter that I am which I don't want to be but already am being.

and looking at it, having license now is a good thing, I can just drive away as soon as I get the car key whenever I feel like going away. And it's a wonderful thing that I don't have to get married. I just want to get out of the house.... That is how I feel now. I will say a whole different thing tomorrow...maybe.

Gossip girl?

I don't think I'm ready to get out of my shell just yet. I look at the people around me and look at how they socialize with other human being and I know right at that moment, I wish I could go back to my old shelter where I was protected from the harm of the world. But then, this is how I learn about life, real life and the harshness of the world. Think I can get through it? I'm already here trying to figure out how hard or easy it could've been if I just close my eyes. I can ignore things if I want. I would love to stay away from the gossip and all the stupidity of the unnecessary. Lucky for me people around me are not much of gossipers and even if they are, I'm sure they will not get me involved because thanks to their mind-set, they will leave me out.

I'm don't gossip anyway ^^

Hello!

Gosh, I don't know how stereotype people can be.

You know how I just got the job at UTMSpace and I like it there. And you know what kind of tudung I wear. Even if it's not too big like the one Mak wears, to them, it is still big. So to them, woman with big hijab like mine can speak arabic.

Alhamdulillah. They make me want to improve my language.

But still their stereotype is kinda what-the-fery

My fairytale

'you make me wanna say I do...'

Did I make you nervous?

You know what doesn't feel right?

He walked in and you did the very wrong thing. It's not even funny, seriously.

Letting that go.

These days, alhamdulillah, I have been doing great. Apart from my daydreaming about No Min Woo, the others are pretty much the same except for my working hours. Currently serving as Language Teacher at UTM SPACE, I report for work last Friday. Now I'm working from 8am - 5pm. No more lazing around, house chores and cooking. I even drove to work these days TT. Sometimes I think that I am not one to be binded by office hours. I prefer free style work but then I need to earn money. So now I have no other choice and be thankful for whatever I have and gain because think of it in a whole different aspect, it's like a blessing in disguise.

I will work hard and make sure the barakah is there while I'm doing my work.

Come to think of it, I should not misuse this well-connected wifi.

Off now~

상상

"네가 나의 사랑이 되면 어떨까

상상만으로도 행복해 지는 걸"

♥

mind.

Supposedly sleeping right now here I am, technically on my bed but with laptop in front of me and typing away my thoughts. I don't have much in mind lately. Alhamdulillah everything is fine and the sun shines bright on me. The weather has been fine (only it will rain on the afternoon but alhamdulillah, rain is a blessing, it will cool down the earth and we can sleep soundly at night)

Last few weeks I attended this good symposium organized by IQRA' on love after marriage. It was interesting as we get to listen to the first hand experience of those who fell in love after they get married. These couple, they didn't date, they never had premarital relationship, everything just happen AFTER the nikah. Interesting right? So I have seen them and a few of my friends did the same but the society isn't fully aware of that. Most of them wonders how that can even be possible especially when they don't even know one another. There were people out there to prove it.

I'm just saying because two people closest to me will get married soon and I am happy for them. Only now I realize how they have grown up. I'm the eldest but I hardly act as one.

In conclusion, I'm just saying.

Goodbye?

I feel like I want to be out of this house as soon as possible without being binded with marriage. I want to be on my own and have my space. I don't regret, I don't seek understanding. If you don't understand me then that's okay, I know you hate me anyway so release me early as you release your son. You'll be happy without me I know. I'm not a good one anyway, no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I try. I have been trying, I will try again. Thank you for everything.

.berkasar.

Aku tahu, isu jamaah ni perkara sensitif. Karang bila aku bincang, tak fasal-fasal pakcik makcik cakap aku ni tak faham pulak. Karang aku cakap, kawan-kawan aku di sebalah sana cakap pemuda IKRAM tak faham la takde tarbiah la (memang la korang bagus kan tapi perlu ke tengok bawah (look down) pada orang lain?

Tapi kelakar tau tengok perkara-perkara ni, ISMA vs IKRAM ni. Sebenarnya takde mende pun di versus kan tapi asal ek kita tak bole bersatu je? Kan kita satu fikrah? Kan ke kita satu jamaah? Kan ke kita satu agama? Kenapa ek? Kenapa ek? Selagi kita tak bersatu, selagi tu Islam takkan menang. Aku ni bukan pandai sangat macam korang tapi benda asas ni aku faham, tentang syura, tentang kesatuan jamaah. Aku faham yang itu. Rasulullah pun ikut keputusan syura. Kita????

Oh well, aku tak faham. Aku hanya faham aku nak berjuang di jalan Allah. Fikir-fikirkanlah. Renung-renungkanlah. Moga kita bertemu di syurga Allah dengan kesatuan yang nyata.

p/s: Penat tengok ketidakselesaan yang timbul akibat berlainanan jamaah ni. Kawan pun da tak boleh nak kawan. Anak beranak pun bole gaduh. Kalau korang faham, sanggup ke korang lukakan hati ibu bapa dengan perjuanggan korang tu? Ini ke perjuangan kalau keluarga berpecah belah? Reflek sikit keluarga Rasulullah. Tengok balik keluarga Hassan Al-Banna macam mana? Aduh! member baik-baik nak kawin tak dapat sebab family lain jamaah. Sakit pening tengok. Aku doa aku istiqamah di jalan ni sentiasa.

So sometimes she does talk.

Currently trying to prepare material for tomorrow's class. Eventhough actually I don't need to prepare anything much, still I find the need to do some reading on things I need to talk about tomorrow because the thing about me speaking in English is that, once I start, I could not stop. I don't have much chance to speak English outside of the class so I really use it all in my class.

and did I tell you about my lovely Sony was broken due to the endless accident that poor thing had? Now I'm using my brother's (broken) Nokia 1100 so no pictures. I was planning to buy a new one and I can't stop myself eying for iphone4 which cost RM2,100/gasp!. I can't afford it now for sure because my pay is focusing for something else before I could buy any expensive gadget. So I might go for something cheaper but has a good camera since I love taking pictures and to bring DSLR everywhere is an act calling for a punch. Maybe a new phone will ring next week? Will keep you update on that!

Driving license. At 24 (my age this year/gasp!) I just had the chance to take driving license. I'm not that young, I should be driving my own car by now but sadly I don't even own a legal driving license. I will be having my third lesson driving lesson tomorrow. After that, two more to go before QTI and that is if I don't have any plan for any additional lesson, which I originally had plan to do so. Wish me luck. I need more prayers on that since I'm planning to get my it before May.

The girl who wishes she is Khun so she could be close to Vic cause honestly, the reason why I watch WGM Khuntoria was all because of Victoria. I like Khun but I love Vic (I am VERY straight mind you) because Victoria gives off the feeling of a best friend that I know I will be concern of and want to take care of.

Speechless but never wordless

There is saying that if you are mad, write it on the sand cause the wind/current will blew it away, erase it once and for all.

But there are things that cannot be written on the dusty sand.

Love is like cornstarch.

It hurts.

when the person you love the most is there but isn't.

It's painful.

When you pretended everything is fine but deep inside it slowly eating yourself.

I have lost will for words, I often do.

I'm not much of a talker after all I know.

I don't know how to make things right by talking to you.

Sometimes I wonder if things will ever get right.

And when I do, I will think of my pay and scheme a plan to run away.

or I will say "I swear I will get out of the house without marriage"

Truth is, I'm tired of being an empty luggage that you hate to have with but you still have to carry it around because you feel responsible for it.

You hate my interest.

You told me I'm too direct with words that often times it hurts you.

I think by having me is enough to be an embarrassment to you.

You said I'm a shame to the society since I don't act like one of its citizen.

You told me I'm rude for saying I want to get out of the house without marriage because you, with angry face told me I should be making you happy, try to ease of things for you.

I never really live up to your expectation Am I?

I never really consult my problem with you or the member of the family because I'm afraid I will turn out not strong enough.

I don't share problem with friends because I don't want them to see another side of me.

I never share my problem with anyone.

I talk to Allah but I bottled it up from human.

You indirectly taught me to be this way.

No, I'm not blaming you.

I'm thanking you for making me this way.

At least I never shade any tears when the going gets tough because I know there is always a way out for every single thing.

I may appear strong.

But deep inside, I'm broken beyond repair.

I never did you proud am I?

I am the -yes-girl for the rest of my life.

Being the first and only child to have the best score in exam is not enough.

Being an experimental child to be sent to the toughest year of matrix life is not enough.

and I thought when I graduated, at least you will be proud.

But the way I see it, you are not.

That's okay.

I already used to it.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

I wish I will die soon so you don't have to see me, don't have to be burden by me, don't have to be ashamed by me.

I love you, more than you ever know.

Broken....

I know...

I'm like

"kjasdbHSVFJAWEGFDB ZSDVbkjdfsdfbgerbhnd sdbkj,mnjhsakjdauerbrhrurihtern,sndhhbasbdsbmnbuerwiueh vu4y47587y54 mnbkhhgglSJDHUEHBkjhuhhfernm,en rjnhhvuhdoirgrtn,mnljaoisjwlqpoiqwr, vsd soinchoerentlikethat!" in blog/twitter/FB

but really, reality check I'm like

=.='

a boring person.

I even laugh at lame jokes.

I think heard someone's crying and I pretended not to hear it =.='

So you think you are lucky if you're in live with your best friend?

Just like the song by Colby Cailat and Jason Marz, they say it's lucky to be in love with your best friend since that person already know what you are and you don't have to explain to him/her what you like and dislike. It seems easy right?

Alway always on the flirting stage, things seems easy. Because you are still at the stage of wanting each other but still you are not bound to him/her, you know somewhat play around. But once things got a little more serious, that's when you feel tired of having someone who knows too much about you.

No, I don't have experience on this matter but other people experiences are the lessons of my life. So they say experience is the best teacher right? Even if it's an indirect experience.

Well let's walk the talk. I the talk is, I'm sad with the world. War, Egypt matter, Ummah's matter, Da'wa matter, sides matter.... and I'm walking here because it feels like home to me.

I don't seek understanding, I just hope you will never question what I choose because trust me, whatever I do, Allah is still my guide in life. If I choose not to get married now, please nod your head and say "It's okay, you are young still". I appreciate the doa because I need the support but please don't try be a cupid and match making me with anyone. Recently my best friend disappoint me with her action. I thought she is my best friend so she ought to know what kind of girl I am. But then I was wrong. I guess it was the distance that threw us apart. We have been staying away from each other for more than 10 years so I bet that's where she missed me changing. So sad but with a heart of a best friend, I forgive her little mistake and I hope I will never have to go through this matter again.

And I wish my sister would tell me her problem because, well she has someone in her life now and it feels like the sisterly bond between us is no longer there. Sometimes I kinda hate that boy for taking my sister away, changing her, but most of the time, I will be patient with everything and sincerely accept him... I'm still trying honestly.

In the end, I think some of thing we need to ignore and let pass by us. Let bygone be bygone, Ignorance is after all bliss.

The Official 2011 talk

"Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars"

I heard a lot of rendition for the song but the first time I heard Aaron Kelly's version which I downloaded by accident, I instantly fell in love. The combination of his voice, the music arrangement and the style is different and very jazz ^^

It has been three weeks since 2011 and this is my first official post in 2011. Though I usually hang out a lot on the internet (because internet is my lover), I feel like I'm way too lazy to write a very long post like I used to. We have twitter now so we can say whatever we want in less than 140 characters. Neat right? But sometimes I need to talk more than 140 characters so that's when I turn to you dear Princess (the name of the blog).

An update on work:

Currently I'm working as part time lecturer at UTM. I only have one class, 4 hours a week. Untill I get my letter of appointment, I will have only that class. My pay would be better than my last job but in terms of the environment, I think my last job is better.

Life & license:

Because I was so busy last year, I did not even realize my KPP had expired that when I went to myeg to take the test, they told me I could not do so, that I have to through the class AGAIN so I can take the test. 5 hours in the class listening to everything about car etc AGAIN? Yes! Last time I fell asleep during the class but last Saturday I managed it without even closing my eyes, alhamdulillah. Thanks to the enough sleep that Allah put me into nowadays. So I pray that I will pass the test this Wednesday. I really need driving license now. More to need than greed cause working in UTM now, what if my father is not around? We have car but I cannot drive legally. So may Allah makes it easy this time around.

Life and Fandom:

It was a war I tell you, a war. During DBSK's comeback, all I see is war between JYJ and HoMin fans. Well, one could never satisfied another one.

Life & Friends:

Married friends. ISMA friends. IKRAM friends.... I wish so hard that we could all stay peacefully under Allah's guidance without having to fight over this. Yes true, I'm lacking on this matter but still, isn't it the right thing to do, to be united? I pity those who want to get married to a certain girl but could not do so because of this IKRAM-ISMA restrain. May Allah show us the way, the righteous path so we will be united once again.